Journal of Bob MacDonald (alias Robert)

Rediscovery July 17 to 26, 1992

Journal - Warning - some material in these pages is personal and transient - be disturbed but not offended. Discretion is advised. [I am sorry I cannot be less personal in my references to some of the participants - Please accept that the stories I have related briefly are told for the sake of our mutual respect and love. I found that I could not remove personal references without losing much of the impact of our interactions.]

[This is a transcription. Items in [] are comments made at the time of transcription.]

[My journal is turning into a letter. Originally addressed to my family, it also provides a context for the commentary, Consideration of the Sacred, which Frank stimulated in me by his question on the boundary between the sacred and the profane. I am letting my description of the experience be public in part for the sake of what I believe. It may also be interesting for you to see the articulated reaction of one person to the Rediscovery experience - This is 'my dance' in part, and my way of dancing.]

July 17

10:24 p.m. The heat of the sun stopped about 2 hours ago. Replaced by a cool short water trip to burial grounds and totem just across harbour. Some large 'traditional European' stones and contrasting totem supported by cairn -also a log house - overgrown with moss.

Boats moored off rocks - rough water was a risk for the Glwa canoe on the rocks. Rocks, barnacles and seaweed were a combination of slippery and secure balancing when loading and unloading.

Just about everybody came.

Afternoon after landing [2-hour DC3 flight from Victoria] was hot - 39 sunscreen really works well - I hope I have enough of it. Deer flies went for Victor in the circle and avoided me for a change.

Saw Frank Brown's film - James' comment in evening that it represented a "different option" was revealing [of its impact]. Frank's story is archetypal, profound, searching, beautifully filmed and quite moving. It is part of the Knowledge Network series Images of Reality. Like the Alkali Lake film it is a must see.

Flight was 2 hours direct at 10,000 feet - pictures will show a little of the effect. Bella Bella is almost untouched wilderness.

I have left behind work - but Yolande is also in software development as I discovered on the dock. I will try and avoid initiating the conversation. I have left behind my keys, but my house is still with me. The accusatory piece of paper with four faults on it of James' misbehaviour needs to be ritually burned - I will look for the right opportunity. May burn a $5 bill too to make the point.

-------

James and his friend Bobby Joe have burned the paper.

The [second, courier] plane made it with the extra 300 lbs of food. How, you might ask will we get 700 lbs of food and all 23+ people and bags to Goose Island in a war canoe? (that only holds 13 people).

Actually with elders and hosts we will be nearly 30 people. [Final count was 41].

Answer - take 2 herring skiffs as well.

Supper - prepared by the whole community, served by a family - astonishing sumptuous array of seafood - prawns unending, bannock, salads, salmon in four or five different forms, introduced by elders, soft spoken but warning of their concerns. Can adults be encouraged to rediscover - and use the precious time of the elders - when so many youth need the experience?

[Here is the result of the first meeting circle - to help us all remember names. That turned out to be my calling for the 10 days. We each bring a dish to the picnic that begins with the same letter as our name.]

Blaire - Bougatza (Greek Dessert); Cecelia - cherries; Yolande - yoghurt; Stew - stew; Theresa - tomatoes; Bob - bannock; Judith - joujoubs; Andy - anchovies; Bruce - beenies; James - jam; Alvin - asparagus; Karen - kumquats; Doug - durritos; Joan - jellybeans; Rosemarie - raspberries; Bobby - broccoli; Kacy - kangaroo; Thom - tootsie rolls; Edith - eels; Linda - lentils; Victor - vegetarian sauce; Emily - elk; Robert - rhubarb; Frank - fritters [briefly] "They sat down on the green grass" - 12 baskets of leftovers. [We sat down on the only reasonably flat piece of grass we could find after having played several games on the not-green soccer field. James was lifted up high in the air on his back by the group. We also played a birthday song game and untieing a human knot; and after the naming exercise, a Haida game, Dox-En-Eye. All these games, an astonishing variety, are described in Thom's book, Rediscovery.]

________________

What is truth?

It is certainly embodied in the love of the community.

It is also in the resurrection of Alkali Lake.

It is also in the passion of Frank Brown.

It is also in the washing ceremony depicted in the film which represented his recognition and seal of his acceptance of the love of the community for him. Fully sacramental.

I [also] need power to be cleansed and power to act.

Sources

- political - race, culture, system of government, family rules

- personal - creative acts, work, observation of nature - spiritual seems to be derived from this [observation of and respect for the natural world] for the natives.

Why did different cultures find the same phenomenon - how did they give it words?

European - feudal authority, punishment as corrective, repentance may be forced.

Native - community authority, banishment as opportunity to "repent".

What works for you? [A comment on belief systems from a participant] These sources alone are not sufficient for me. The universal calls of the scripture are disturbing. If any one will save his life, he will lose it. [I added these last two sentences later in the week than their position would indicate.]

Do I really believe the gospel? or am I caught by a legitimate but common human experience which the pattern of gospel thinking gives words to?

Point: the creationist native spirituality has the power of redemption also! (obviously - "the Father and I are one!")

Creation, Redemption, Sanctification - the sacral universe - Sacred vs Profane (question from Frank), Glorification. [See later commentary.]

The washing ceremony is just as much a proof of the 'good and perfect will' (Romans 12) of the Creator as a Eucharist. Frank gave his steering paddle to his uncle (who had raised him after the death of his father at about age 8), whose intervention in the court process allowed the use of the traditional native method of banishment for correction to be applied. Surely this symbolic act is transforming. That proof is in the effect of the story on our minds and the minds of all who have seen it.

The same one who said 'He shall glorify me' (John 16:14) is acting in this event. I will consider these things.

The raven's call ga-lorup is distinctive.

Day 2 July 18.

4:15

We are "marooned" on an island chosen by the wind. Seaweed was a possible destination but Frank decided to try for Goose Island in one day. Earliest paddlers started at 8:30. The packers loaded the herring skiffs with the supplies and themselves and followed at about 10:45. Crew change about 11:45 and 12:45 and again about 2:00. All paddling was in inland waters up to that time.

The crossing to Goose was held off by winds. Fortunately there was another small island in the way where the waves were coming from. We may yet get to Goose Is. today - or stay here.

7:15

Moved to a new island beach - where we will eat pasta in small groups cooked on an open fire. There was one pot only, canned sauce augmented with onions and garlic. [We had found a large piece of drift plywood which served as a table for cutting garlic and onions and sliced ham and cheese and bread also -and the cans of course served as extra pots - it was not a bad meal actually. I had seconds.]

James had already been here for 2 hours. [He had been travelling with Joe Hall's family and the elder, Marshall Windsor.] He met me after we had unloaded the boat and offered me a piece of meat to roast. He said it was the "real" thing: freshly slaughtered deer meat. It was delicious. I cooked it around the fire with the family from Bella Bella who are with us - 3 generations. I guess that grandpa [Marshall] is the elder who will talk to us later in the week. The Dad [Joe] said to me that the Indians did not need a pot to cook in, or preservatives, or a stove, etc. etc.

The sleeping bag that I brought has no zipper at all - It's a good thing I bought a new one at the Band store today - 'cause sleeping in the open with feet sticking out might have been uncomfortable.

Circle time this evening was again astonishing and moving. The ritual shows what we need in our regular lives - James had considerable congestion - maybe a little fever too. He has been taking whatever pills I have. (Others have needed them too) - but he still said - "I don't feel very good on the outside, but I'm very well on the inside seeing how well all of us get along together." (Approximate quote.)

Cecilia and the young man from Pearson [Yogandra], who is doing a study of native justice under Frank's direction and with research in Bella Bella, each sang beautiful songs - one from Finland, one from Nepal. I sang two phrases from Et in Spiritum Sanctum [from the Mass in B Minor by J.S. Bach] and Thom has insisted that James and I prepare a special piece from the mass for closing ceremonies. I'm going to suggest the Et Iterum.

I can't repeat the content of 23 circle stories or the dance or the prayer or the invitation from the Elder to see the embers of the sacred fire and take one with us [in our hearts] each to remind us of this evening.

July 19

7:30 or so

The place too is astonishing. It is hard to believe that we came across so beautiful and perfect a spot - long interconnected sandy beaches and islands at low tide, scrub fir trees such as grow beside the sea, facing east for both a spectacular last quarter silver moon rise and equally beautiful sunrise at the same place. [Frank had asked several of us which of the two beaches would be preferable for an overnight. In consultation with the elders, they decided on this one. The process of consensus was demonstrated.]

3:13

But it was hot! We arrived at Goose Island about 11:30. The rediscovery camp is led by a man and a woman, both ordained, both having been brought up and trained that their traditional ways were sinful practices - (probably this lack of cultural imagination in fundamentalists stems from fear and ignorance of the meanings of the OT warnings - Just what is YHVH jealous of?) I think his name is Joe, his wife Judy. When he spoke of his work with youth - angry youth, I silently wept for the sins of my own people.

Goose Island campground faces north - so the full blast of the sun will be lessened.

The swell coming over was enough to completely hide the canoe. I was not paddling and the camera had jammed so I could not get any pictures. James rewound the film from about picture # 20 which is probably multiply exposed. [In fact the film was blank - the back was probably opened while rewinding - too bad - there were some nice pictures of the first island. The sand there was like snow when you stepped into it. You went down up to your ankles.]

I fiddled with the shutter and got it working again once the camera was empty. [Edith had lent me new batteries but it turned out that I didn't need them.]

The main coast line is gloriously humped, peaked, and cloven in the mountains and hills and valleys. Our view from the boat was exactly as some of the most abstract mountains would depict and the light as pastel.

James' cold is under control. I am sun, wind, and salt water crusted. I expect the sunscreen will run out in a day or two. [Although both of us were using it, the sunscreen is still going strong 20 days later - many times we did not need it for the wind was quite brisk and the water cold, and we kept ourselves covered with clothes for the most part.]

Kelly, the youngest of the family, is practising a prayer and dance (or something) in the sand a little way away from me. The place is really the extended family home into which we have been invited.

Thom has asked us to do a special Classical dance for the final ceremony. Cecilia, the beautiful Finnish girl, will dance to Bach, Et Iterum Venturus Est (maybe). We do judge the living and the dead already! Consider how we cry over the unwitting and ignorant destruction of native ways - not to mention the deliberate. Because the worst of the destruction was done in ignorance - out of ignorance. How could we live without such judgement except to repeat the same intolerant and parochial acts. Too bad they were committed in the name of our own Primal experience.

I have already touched on the many impressions and activities here. Our circles are on the beach with four coloured markers for each cardinal compass point - medicine wheel [I have used this term inaccurately - for me it was the circle and the symbolism associated with each compass point.] again. Simon the carpenter showed me the white caps way out to sea - the north western wind makes the air chilly while the sun is hot.

Family - Joe and Judy Hall (Robert's parents), Richard Wilson (junior staff), Luke White (new), Jennifer, David (Judy's children), Kelly Windsor, Marshall's grandson.

Bella Bella is Spanish - Waglisla is the native name for the post office now. 200 years ago there were easily 30,000 souls here, 5 tribal groups. Now 1200 in the village.

The wreck on the beach happened 2 years ago. The breakers come right over the rocks - many meters when the wind really blows.

Talked with Joe about his 35 years as a preacher - Pastor and evangelist. He wants to go back into ministry - he sure has one now with rediscovery. Like his ancestors he has learned to ask the whales where the deer are so that he can feed his family. Clearly the orca understand him. They also perform for him and his family - and they lead them to the deer. If I were going to hunt deer, I wouldn't have gone on water, let alone asked a whale! But then, I am not a Heiltsuk - and whales don't hear English with the same knowledge as they hear the native tongue.

Some prophet says "And I will restore to you a pure language" - this is more than the gift of tongues. [Zephaniah 3,9]

Supper was venison stew and all the bannock you could eat. Bannock with stew, bannock with raspberry jam and peanut butter.

8:56

I am at my spirit spot. Probably reachable only at low tide. It is almost 50 yards from the wreck. I wish I could draw. I did not bring the camera to catch the sun set - tonight the colours could be done in abstract black and white.

Today I washed my feet in water drawn from a cedar bog - the arbour and mossy carpet is charming but I am not likely to wash except in the salt water till Saturday or Sunday. I just realized that I missed church today. [The days eventually lost their functionality entirely - the division into 7 though perhaps based on a human characteristic (3-bit memory mapper), is not a natural rhythm.]

I'm glad James and I are wearing our own clothes and not Sarah's or Simon's though their jackets would have survived - it's just two fewer worries. The worries are nearly down to zero.

James rested in the longhouse for two long stretches this afternoon. I think he was tired and salty like me.

July 20th

Four directions run in a.m. sparsely attended. James got up just at grace for breakfast muttering to me that he might as well not be the centre of attention! We gather for grace around the furnace in the longhouse and he was asleep right in the pit by the furnace. Breakfast was bacon and hard boiled eggs and bannock. My hard boiled egg yolk rolled out of its shell onto the floor.

James went haddock jigging. I went on the marine biology course with Thom Henley. The swimming was excellent. Thom had strained his back in the morning and it got worse as we walked - so he wasn't into body surfing. We're back in the long house now and Thom is making use of one of my robaxisal pills. My supplies are helping more people than I might have imagined.

I discovered today that I still enjoy swimming in cold water - after 5 minutes it was great. Soap doesn't lather much but I did get clean. The forest and seashore are full of things I knew little about. Thom's knowledge is striking and deep. There seems to be hardly anything he can't give a name - the scientific name - to.

I walked back from the beach with Judy Hall. She told me about a book she has on Natives that she thinks I would get something from. [The Grieving Indian - which I later discovered Di had a copy of already at home.] Edith also mentioned a book, God is Red, that she had enjoyed.

9:56

I have read Judy's book. It confirms what John Betts suggested or was it another book about the grief of children adopted or fostered after the age of 6 months. Full bonding does not occur after this and the grief takes the same steps as described by Kubler Ross. To release the anger, [the author instructs us to] forgive mother, father, God, society, us, and anyone else who might be blamed for our condition. That sounds too heavy - but it is likely the same conclusion [we] must be drawn to [each] in his own way.

Today we got the barnacles off the bottom of Joe's skiff - everyone helped to lift and we supported the boat on driftwood stakes and scrapped off the barnacles with paddles, etc.

It is late, the sun is set, the wind is too strong and I must return to the house.

10:14

I am not sure I want to be here - I am a city man. This place is a little like the cold water I felt this afternoon that I learned again to enjoy. Bach is all I have to escape into and it has been hard today to find a place to read it because of the incessant wind. Even the breakers are bothering me with their constant noise. The weather has been excellent and the people uniformly warm and loving. The dis-ease is in me. For whose sake did I come here? no answer.

10:36

Inside, all here, the light is on - a Coleman, penny whistles playing I'se the Buy that Builds the Boat - modally. My secret friend has given me a dream catcher and an explanation. Under it hangs an abalone shell and cook Judy has made labrador tea from plants we gathered on our walk satisfying my craving for a hot drink. Without prejudging the psychological development, I am quickly over the depressed thoughts of the last half-hour.

21st

Plans are slightly changed to give Thom a rest. I have my doubts about some approaches to therapy - but they (my doubts) are irrelevant in some ways.

We will look at native medicine today. Probably beginning with the Yew tree bark (breast cancer) and devil's foot. - I will take notes.

Fern roots - pain killer, tastes like licorice; chew and swallow juice.

False hellebore root - boil in water for 2 hours, put in long hot bath, also used as a liniment, is a powerful medicine against witchcraft and the death spirit that bothers a family after the death of a family member. Joe's mother was a medicine woman.

Yew - wood used for many items - spoons, nails, bows, arrow heads. Cure for TB boiled with devil's club [Don't follow any of these instructions - I may have some of them wrong].

Songs, spirit dances, travelling spirits, etc., etc., baby dances, Indian spirit. It's not surprising that Joe has had problems synthesizing this knowledge with his Christian teaching.

The stories remind me of Saul and his necromancy, the warnings around witchcraft and idolatry - Paul's comments on food sacrificed to idols and other superstitions.

The members of the group are unlikely to cohere in me because of the fierce jealousy of my understanding of my own language.

Joe gave me an eagle feather today. He knows how to share like Dan Whetong - he tells his story with inspiration. James is going to wrap it for me later. [Special adornment of the stem of the feather with embroidery thread.]

Devil's club is a long prickly plant - Chew the bark as a cure for arthritic pain. Thom is chewing some as is Edith for her wrist.

These people have a problem with a money based economy - They are very generous. They could not understand anyone wanting to sell their knowledge in a book any more than anyone wanting to write down their private songs. [Joe had spoken to me about the unwillingness of his mother to share her cures with the white doctors and the taking of knowledge from his people for what appeared to be merely financial gain.]

6:38

Back from an afternoon's fishing; picked up 1 sole (used for bait), 1 piece of styrofoam and 2 hats (dropped by us). Were hunting also but found neither deer nor seal. No orcas to guide us either. A calm smooth trip except at the very end and roller coaster only for a short while.

Meals today have been top notch. Lunch was fish stew topped with seaweed and ooligan (fish oil). Supper was spaghetti with clam sauce - clams courtesy of afternoon clam diggers - 2 bushels dug of clams and cockles.

I have been writing sitting on a log behind the long house to be sheltered from the wind. It is just within the forest in view of the two outhouses. One is suitable for men only having neither seat not door!

Played two excellent games - Thom's book provides a wealth of games for groups. Echo location and true-false - Eagles vs Ravens and earlier, Deer Ears. The setting sun is awesome but alas no camera with me. Thom seems back on his feet but he is being cautious.

The raw beauty is coming back to me.

I wrote a song for my secret friend today - presumptuous of me. I picked up a piece of abalone shell with yet another mask on it and called the song - The Song of the Abalone. It is in D- with a G# in the scale set to various syllables and words depicting the waves in the abalonean ear. The second section develops itself in stretto rhythms - finish with a da capo. I don't know if I could reproduce it or not even though I have seen it visually - my relationship with music is strange.

The single line of trees on rock stands out stark in relief against the grey, pink, yellow and blue sunless sky.

July 22

Stuck my toe in the murky sea this morning after washing at the water hole at 7. Hope there's no poison ivy over there. It's a good thing David Attenborough's crew wasn't there to film the ablutions of primitive man. I almost had to stand on my head to get the soap off - I don't like the idea of bathing in a bog that supplies our washing water for dishes.

The "Coo" has not yet been blown for Kacy's brother. She is the blower of the Conch from Hawaii that signals the four directions run. Her brother was killed by a drug dealer just over a year ago. The circle was able to hold her and comfort her with some power as she recounted her loss. Victor and Edward Martin Jr, a young native dancer who just joined us, also recounted their losses for her sake. JR lost his brother by suicide.

At 11:40, Marshall, the elder said it was safe to tell us that yesterday was his birthday - so the day's last 20 minutes was a spontaneous party.

10:26

Cross-cultural awareness will happen after chores. We're gathering water today. Cook Judy prayed for a successful fishing and hunting expedition so we can prepare for the feast - Thom joked that he knows we're short of food when the cook starts praying for it.

My secret friend, Theresa, teaches English and Art in a Catholic School in Calgary. She teaches by inspiration and though she has said little this week, she spoke to me about many things this morning particularly the film, Black Robe (1991) - same actor as Jesus in Jesus of Montreal - highly recommended. Also a book, The Temptation of Big Bear by Rudy Wiebe - a must read.

Edith had not yet delivered my song to her (she has to sing it) yesterday so Victor delivered a hug for me yesterday. Edith feels she needs more practise at it.

The cross-cultural games were quite good simulations of conquering/conquered people and cultural differences such as are in Dancing with a Ghost.

James and the seal hunters have returned with their catch. I think I am not sure what I think. It is certainly with all the clams, mussels, and fish (about 20 caught today), much closer than the supermarket.

Two of our number have gone to hospital for stitches [The hospital in Bella Bella - the doctor that treated them, Dr. Bing, I later met at the Pentecostal Church] - one carving with shorts on cut into her knee (Jennifer), the other (Andy) cut himself while shucking clams.

Have to prepare supper again today - 2 days ago it was chopping garlic - today clams. Stinky hands. Thom said to respect the clams because blood was shed to get them - clam and Andy's blood. It is easy to lose respect or to appear to by being light hearted.

I wonder if James and Cecilia will ever rehearse the Bach with me. My voice is sort of back again after the brief non-cold. But some acid or other is bothering my throat - last night after comforting Kacy, I had a terrible tickle in my throat and had to leave the room to recover.

But I can imitate the raven today so my falsetto is back.

Have started carving a cedar box for the feather. It will take a while - threatened to be calling Victor over the next year asking the next step. He laughed. [Victor was James' teacher of native art in 1990-91 at Central School.]

About 14+ people are preparing for solo. I doubt if I will do it. Surely these meanderings show I don't need to! Anyway I don't feel such a particular need. I will carve and draw some music for the banner - maybe a drum with Et Iterum inscribed on it. That might be hard to cut out. I will always associate B- with rediscovery - but I may be the only one who does. Et singing Bach around a campfire is surely unique.

9:27

Supper finally cooked: Clam Chowder and 100 lbs of fish - I am waiting for the line to diminish. Frank has returned with his wife and 4 children. The baby is a doll named Saul. What a choice! Solos are being prepared for and we live by the rhythm of the arrival of food from the sea, the regularizing of that rhythm by modern systems having been damped for a week.

At grace, Kelly recited [at Thom's prompting] the first few lines of Batman Returns [about the sickness in Gotham City] and I got an opening for Blake's poem which has been running around in my head for three days. Rose (Gotham City), thou art sick; the invisible worm that flies in the night; has found out thy bed of crimson gold; and its dark secret love has thy life destroyed. Someone else read an original poem on roots of love etc - imagery of a tall tree - but as with much of the new age stuff, there is no room for the dark side. That's a bit unfair, 'cause the thought was nice.

The drum design has been approved [first 8 notes with ledger lines embroidered of Et Iterum Venturus Est] - now for execution.

23rd

Many profound thoughts this morning but they go by while pen is not in hand.

My self-centredness - but no matter; Simon turned the boat at the drop of a hat (literally) when my thoughts were for shore though the waves were not high. Simon's decision was a fast as Frank's had been slow on the campsite issue. I keep calling him Peter 'cause I think this chainsaw carpenter, a quiet unassuming man, is the ballast in this canoe.

There is also or was (I don't know yet) some trouble in Joe's spirit. He had withdrawn himself from the circle because of the conflicts he perceived. He is a dramatic man, freely claiming the gift of discernment of spirits - probably charismatic - pentecostal tradition. He's right about the conflict - I have written of it prior to this, but apart from brief mention of my negative thoughts it has not been voiced. Last night at circle illustrates where some are coming from. James started the circle finale by singing 2 half-remembered verses of "Jesus loves me" without chorus. "Out of the mouths of babes!" Believe me I had nothing to do with it - may God have mercy on us all. After he finished, Joan strongly supported I think by Karen started a mantra to Mother Earth - "I have been waiting for you so long". This really is the church - a dragnet dredging up all kinds of fish and other creatures to be separated at the end of time.

There is a Hopi prophesy that when the skin of mother earth is scraped away from Black Mesa that it will signal the end of time. The U.S. government did this during the oil crisis.

After Mother Earth came a Finish song - what a lovely "child" Cecilia is. She had danced to the Et in Spiritum Sanctum earlier (rehearsing) and she told me many things about her problems apprehending the Christian faith in which she was raised. The last song came from me - the compline mantra - Keep me as the apple of an eye - Hide me [under the shadow of thy wings], etc. Good Hebrew thoughts - a bit more transcendent that earthy. [Incidentally, one of the Old Testament female images of God, the mother eagle protecting her young.]

Joke - what has 75 balls and screws little old ladies?

Bingo!

I thought you'ld get a kick out of that one - one of the group offered it just prior to Frank's film when Frank (I think) said - just enough time for a joke while we wait [for the film to start. This joke was preserved for Diana whose work with the Greater Victoria Youth Orchestra requires her to supervise Bingo occasionally.]

Cleaning up from pancakes and porridge for 35 - takes a while. 11:00 and one or two soloists have gone. [Only Alvin had gone prior to the ceremony of leaving - he went on a particularly long journey, called by the deer.] James has slept in - centre of attention or not. May he have pleasant dreams.

2:00 - 3:00

At the vigil fire for an hour. Fire started over Douglas fir bark with red and white cedar shavings. This is an hour of silence. I will continue the embroidery of the Et Iterum Drum.

James has gone with Frank on the water. The ceremonial fire is surrounded by reminders of the natural world and other sacred objects. I think in the creationist world where bone, feather, hide and wood, berry, sweetgrass root, and leaf can be sacred that this testifies to a sacral view of all created things. The holiness of the fire is a symbol - it links us to the others on solo with their fires. James will do his vigil also, I trust.

5:10

Actually James is going with Bob to the vigil fire at West beach this evening. He is also helping today to move a table top back to its original position in front of the longhouse now that the blanket is nearly done. The seal has been cooked. I cleaned up after some of it but I am not turned on or tuned in to trying any.

The four children are like four young children - busy, interested, cute, sleepy, demanding, etc. They are all under 6, I would think and will keep Frank and Kathy busy for some time. The littlest one was awake in a cardboard box gooing happily. One of his big sisters was asleep in the same box a few hours later. Fairly small box 1/8 of a playpen. The rule on technology is improvise.

We are a bit confined on this solo day since 2 of the children (Kelly & David) are at either end of the beach. Lunch and leftovers are a little suspect to me. It's a good thing that the nights have been cool - for there are no fridges or electricity. [Shortly after this thought, I observed a bucket of left-over clams walking to the rocks to leave itself for the seagulls.]

Washed my hair today for the first time in a week. Helped Thom to get water for his. He is walking with less pain.

Finished the Et Iterum drum and a red cedar drum stick. Red cedar is easier to carve than white.

Sacred, sacral, sanctified. [See separate paper for elaboration on the following associations]

The sacred/the sacral world is a pre-scientific view. Jesus desacralizes the world - the veil of the temple is torn from top to bottom - no more sacred - just unholy humanity in the presence of a Holy God. Now what - sanctification - the process of life itself, mediated by sacrificial death and rebirth - the growth of knowledge - now multiply exponential - but no wisdom. (Daniel 's prophesy)

If the natives truly are the East... maybe the wisdom of the eagle will help. The medicine wheel provides some scope for random associations.

But the wheel like the Eucharist and all ritual wrongly interpreted, runs the risk of recreating a sacred/profane duality. New taboos in each new generation. New outcasts, new prejudices.

But the power is still known through the drama of the ritual and when the "body is discerned", the healing process of forgiveness is enabled and each individual derives strength. Some individuals are singled out, chosen, for special experiences that help everybody see the work in a clearer light. (Frank, Thom, Kacy) The divine drummer plays a mean tune.

I say the forgiveness issue because of the central message of the following prayer, itself constructed in a prescientific sacral world.

Intimate Mystery, belonging to us,

Immanent yet Transcendent:

Holy, separated, close yet unapproachable, named yet unnameable, naming us, sanctifying us;

Continue your work of creation;

Continue in us your work of creation;

Here and now as everywhere and everywhen.

Walk with us, let us step out without fear and with adequate "fear and trembling" to work and play with you.

Wash our feet, in measure as we wash each other's.

Recognize our weakness, lest we be tempted beyond what we are able to stand.

Save us from the messes we get into.

After all, and before all, you are in charge; all power, personal, natural, political, and spiritual comes from you; the results, all things, were created for your pleasure.

That thesis needs a reduction to minimal terms. Frank was asking me about the sacred and the profane after I talked to him about the sacramental aspect of the washing ceremony. We will talk further after ceremony night.

My understanding does not allow for natural religions like the GAIA hypothesis - it assumes a world view that allows and enables the acquisition of knowledge and that leaves each and all of us responsible and unfortunately culpable also.

I find this inescapable - I don't think it is just internal programming.

11:00

Already in bed, vigil at 5:00 a.m. Not quite satisfied with elimination of the sacred as seems to be implied by my argument. However, am not happy with any naturalistic or work-based sacraments. Therein lies the full contradiction.

James and Jennifer did dishes together tonight. I was water boiler. Started my fire with one match - no paper - no problem. Oh well...

To sleep now and synthesize some more.

24th

Vigil - absolutely calm, Richard my predecessor, sleeps within an arm's length of the vigil fire. The eastern clouds are just reflecting the pink of the sun.

Frank is a leader - last night he organized the youth (except James who was washing dishes) to move a large knotted log from being a border of the path to the house to being a barrier between beach and higher level of preforest area in front of the house. I have noticed a considerable number of direct orders and correctional interventions in his behaviour that do not fit the mold of the ethics of non intervention described in Dancing with a Ghost.

They are extending the "lawn" area. The youth (aged 14 - 20+) certainly respect his power. Kathy was watching as she nursed that baby and remarked how Frank just can't sit still and do nothing. "Last night - he reorganized the elder's cabin, putting up tarps, etc".

James and Lucas are also sleeping here [not with Bob]: three sleepers in a propeller shape.

The morning is upon us. All 14 soloists (underlined names) [not marked in my journal - underlines were on a card] seem to have made it through the night except Kelly who returned before dark. He was very close and his solo had already been potentially disturbed by one of the little girls collecting shells.

What have I missed? This week has been as long as two normal weeks. The likely reason is that the days have neither name nor function. Seasons and weather are distinguishable but Monday and Thursday are not otherwise different - there is no weekend.

Yet another user of my pill collection. JR twisted his neck and probably pulled a muscle, hopefully no worse, while moving logs. Frank's leadership and determination are demanding but his strength is "as the strength of ten men" and his workers are young. JR is the dancer - all the youth are strong in fact.

JR is better this morning but still sore. The gentleness evident in the youth is striking. Even Lucas who looked a bit large and surly mentioned that the moving of the log was not much work - only moving 1500 lbs? of log and 40 bits of junk wood etc for landfill. And his eyes lit up with pleasure at the result.

Judy's Bannock

In small bowl mix 1 cup lukewarm water, 1 tsp sugar. Add 3 tbsp active dry yeast. Let set for 10 minutes.

[It sets if you get the yeast into warm water as instructed - cold water makes it coagulate - and warming it in the microwave after it coagulates may not be very good for the yeast...]

In Large bowl mix 8 cups lukewarm water and 8 tbsp powdered milk [or 1/2 water with 1/2 canned milk], 1/2 cup of sugar, 1/2 cup of oil (or melted margarine).

Add yeast to water/milk mix; add 10 cups flour, 3 tbsp salt and mix; add 10 more cups of flour and mix and let rise about 1 hour. If making loaves punch down and let rise again then make loaves and bake.

Fry in oil or margarine and enjoy.

[Watch out if you make this - 20 cups of flour is a lot of bread! We have just used every loaf pan and muffin holder in the house and all the white flour and most of the margerine. The sorcerer's apprentice (Bob) had a cooking lesson while the cook was out.]

12:00

Soloists have drifted in all morning, breakfast is continuous. Feast preparation will go on all day. A diver has just brought in scallops and abalone (I guess). James is getting good reviews from several people in asides to me. He is delighted in Saul - they have been together now for nearly an hour!

Kacy came back last of the soloists about 3:00 p.m. Fire was closed after a 28 hour vigil.

Preparations all day for feast, ceremony, and dancing in the longhouse. Complex agenda - includes James and me doing the Et Iterum just prior to seeing the robe on the elder.

Feast menu:

Simon's smoked salmon

Judy's world famous bannock

Cecilia and Thom's stuffed mussels

Mouth watering potato salad by Theresa, Rosemarie, Bruce, and Bob.

Delicious creamy coleslaw

Devilled eggs

Joe's fresh seal meat and seal oil

Kathy's chocolate chip cookies

Apricot upside down cake

Fresh fruit salad

Rice crispy squares

Home made cake with wild huckle berries

25th

Back on Bella Bella after a 5:00 wake up. Fearful of approaching bad weather, we were prompted to a hasty and somewhat disorganized breaking of camp - but broken it was, and all are safely back; 3 boat loads including Frank's houseboat which I missed at first - that not being God's agenda for me, but caught up to later and joined as we rode tied together with Robert's boat. Vina went to sleep on my lap (she is a very active 5 year old) and Cecilia and I sang Broadway songs in the calmer waters. The storms and winds and grand waves never materialized - the trip was very smooth. "Why are you so frightened, O my Soul" or as Gwinny would say "where is your faith!"

Quietly clean after a talk and a shower at Marshall's I will write of the last day - the 24th - the pageantry and sharing being beyond my description. This community has had more than its share of tragedy and grief. That's why rediscovery is so important to them - the ceremony is theirs, the dances are theirs, the sharing and healing are theirs and are as mediated in God and by God as any formal Eucharist. [This is not meant in disrespect. I follow a tradition of weekly participation in a formal liturgical Eucharist. It is of great importance and comfort to me and to many. In the context on these notes, the Eucharist can be seen as Christ's Dance, bequeathed to all who take part as part of their inheritance in much the same way as native songs and dances are passed on to their descendants.]

After the feast with lanterns and canopy made in the afternoon we had a great 4 directions ceremony. Four songs were sung: JR sang from the East, I sang the Britten setting of Blake from the North, Karen sang an African chorus with us all from the West, and Cecilia sang a Japanese song of the May flowers from the south. Her augmented intervals were a study in perfection.

Our fire - built round with a log cabin, blazed high into the air, sparks rising at least 150 feet. We were dressed in garlands. We then did a formal presentation of the blanket - Thom presented each symbol and then asked James and me to sing the music on the drum. So Bach again contributed to the ceremony in the Et Iterum (about a minor third too low unfortunately). James has contributed well but we will need much more practise for August. James was wise enough to go up on the last note - so he ended the piece firmly.

After the dedication [of the blanket with dozens of symbols on it including] - a drum of hope - we had a formal circle with Thom introducing each of the participants. I had prewritten my contribution - naming everyone in camp personally (see last page). That was my journey, to manage my ability to name people and remember their names. 40 people excluding me.

We must keep in touch with Marshall's family and Joe and Judy and Frank.

Marshall is raising grandson Kelly after the death of his father who had been on the original Glwa run to Vancouver [for EXPO 86]. The cherubic youth is struggling with the memory. [But you would not have known it, for the first 8 days. He was 'continually at play' and always apparently very happily at one with the environment. I realize I have used the adjective cherubic in a popular sense. These angels are in fact awesome and powerful, and they are always face to face with the glory of the Most High. Perhaps the apparent innocence and playfulness of youth also hides a great power and a great passion.] Marshall told me he thinks there is strong medicine in Victoria - indicating that the medicine here [in Bella Bella] is good for some people only for a few years. [Having told him of the recent loss of our Grandpa,] I invited him to visit us as an extra Grandpa and that our house would be open to him whenever he might need it.

K. was not able to complete his solo this time out (he is 11 yrs old) because at the sight he chose - he said his Dad was there. [I was told] They had come together to Goose Island before when his Dad was helping build the big house and rediscovery camp. [I imagine] There was a lot of pressure on Kelly inadvertently in his invitation to speak since everyone else who had soloed, including David - maybe a year older, had completed. No matter how often Thom had said - completing or not completing - is not failure; and even if this is understood, the feelings of requiring to give a word, a reason, a thought must have been difficult to deal with.

Many of the solo stories were as entrancing as Dan Whetong's stories. Some simpler like Victor saying he doesn't like talking to himself -he is such a card!

[Alvin's saga of following the deer paths and coming to a chasm which he had to cross to conquer a chasm he had not successfully crossed on another outing is a story that can only be heard again if it was recorded or if he told it. He was introduced by Thom as one who loved the outdoors - truer words could not be spoken. And his story can be seen as a pattern for others who require a similar courage to live through their own suffering.]

After solos, Thom presented a skit with the youngsters. Grandpa (Marshall) sends Kelly on a search. Kelly returns with 7 gifts each having been given him by a song a speech of an animal:

Wind Cecilia Energy

Eagle James Vision

Salmon David Sharing

Raven Richard Curiosity

Bear Jennifer Strength

Deer Cecilia Awareness

Sanderlings All Cooperation

I find the native songs hard to remember - because in part I am dependant on visual memory. I wonder how accurate my rendition of the Britten was. Next time I come on one of these, I'll bring some music. With a little stimulus, I remember - but for instance I couldn't think of an autumn song for the birthday game until after it was over and the pressure was off.

After the ceremony, having cleared all the dancing floors in the longhouse, we sat down around the furnace in the centre of the house. Four of the kerosene lamps were placed in the corners and the natives sang and danced Frank's dance. I felt that I was present at the creation of the world - I can describe the movements and choreography and to some extent the spiritual and psychological achievement. But the effect, as it was portrayed in the film and then in the longhouse, reaches to the uttermost depths of the soul and finds the light that is in every one - that same light that 'came into the world', the light of the Creator. (in person).

I think it was about 2:00 when we finished - and we rose at 5:00. No wonder sleep has taken precedence over even showers for some today.

It occurred to me as I was walking that God is also the giver of potlatches - Isn't there a parable that goes: The K of H is like a man who gives one 5 talents, one 2, and one 1. And who gives us ourselves anyway? [Matthew 25,15]

James dropped a jigger today - I figure it will set Frank back about $50 - I have given a donation of $150 to buy toilet seats, and other useful equipment like fishing gear. Eagle perched on top of church cross during supper. Final medicine wheel held at old dock - each of us placed a symbol in the centre of the circle and explained why it was being placed - how it related to us. James declined I think finding the adult symbolism a bit much - He could make a good rediscovery junior leader through applying at Sooke either as camper or Jr. leader. Is an idea. Call Sooke band office.

The symbols will be returned to the island as a reflection of the camp and arranged as placed in the peat bog. Maybe some day we'll find the wheel of the first adult rediscovery camp.

Making tea for the folks in the rather grotty church kitchen. Only one service in the morning at a Pentecostal church where [I get the impression] Joe doesn't feel welcome. They are contrary, I'm told, to the native rediscovery tradition. As you can read in these notes, there may be some real conflicts - but the church has not apparently done much for the youth in Bella Bella.

No RC service, no Anglican, United is at 7:30 in the evening. Not much of a partnership [with the episcopal tradition but clearly a good relationship with whoever runs the church building we are in. Darby Memorial Church was our home while in Bella Bella.] I may go in the morning to find out what's what. But the community have plans for us also - seeing various things that are part of the community structure.

Sunday

Went to the Pentecostal church this a.m. 12 or so kids. Pastor Paul's wife [I think], Gloria, sang songs quite rhythmic and tuneful. Children's bible verse from Jeremiah! Adults then studied (about 8 of us) Acts 15 and

Galatians 5. Interesting lessons. Dr. Bing was there. He had stitched up Andy this week. Both Pastor Paul and Dr. Bing and family are new here. No "liturgy". Good comments from natives on many items. In view of the religious compromise reached in Acts 15, I spoke on the effect of Frank's dance on me. [I was told to 'Search the spirits' and rightly so - I think that is what I have been doing. Can you see where the Lord, the Spirit has led me?]

The ravens were laughing at me 'cause when I was looking for the church I missed it and ended up at the garbage dump.

Cover

To the first adult rediscovery camp from Robert Mac, lover of Bach. Love and Good will

- be an antidote to the worm in the rose - the rose's children will grow stronger because of the parent's endurance. The worm itself has hidden power which under the right conditions will soar - transformed from destruction to fleeting beauty, a metaphor for the resurrection and eternal life.

To those trained at Pearson: Karen, strong tenor song leader; Joan, rooted and grounded, reminding us of Mother Earth from whom we all sprang; Bobby Joe - sensitive, smiling, lighting up all faces by reflection of his own; Northern daughter Cecilia, full of light and lyrical song; and Yogandra, student of justice, rhythmic singer from the high places of Nepal.

To those from Victoria and Sooke rediscovery: Andy, clam carver, and himself carved and stitched; Victor, comic carver, and world's greatest Dad, Edith, mistress of the button blanket.

To leaders and staff and families of same: Thom, international naturalist, patient in spasm in this hospital, Bob, organizer supreme, Robert - sound boatman and diver; Lucas proud in achievement. Thoughtful David, Jenny, teaser of James, Richard gently given to kindness and to finishing things right; JR runner and dancer, singer and drummer; and Kelly, cherubic youth, delighting in all things; To Frank, living archetype, sharing his life, powerful leader, and Kathy with their special gifts to us: Vina, Ayla, Jessica, and Saul who delighted James' heart. Not least to Judy with quiet joyful strength, Joe evangelist, pastor, discerner of spirits, wrestler like Jacob with God himself; and Marshall, birthday boy, elder. To my son James, a guest, like us all, at home. To the guests of the family: Cellist Doug and writer Emily, Fisherman Alvin, Linda, supplier of paper to my secret friend. Yo-greeting Yolande, Runner Stew and determined co-retailer Judith, non-runner Bruce, lighthearted Rosemarie, Theresa, quiet teacher of Blake, Blaire, comforter and finally, Kacy - hurt, sharing, finding the comfort of the circle, may good medicine be yours.

["He calls his own sheep by name." What kind of shepherd can't remember anybody's name!]

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